Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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