I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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