So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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