yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
