I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
BRING THE BAGELS
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
