yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
