Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
