I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
