I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
someone owes me an orgasm
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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