i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
