Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I smell like Dick and happiness
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