two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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