Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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