to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
50% drunk capacity currently
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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