Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
