And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
