Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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