i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
