There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
