So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
