I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
