vagina is talking i cant
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
