Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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