I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
