when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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