does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
