Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
