In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
