I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
