saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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