U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
