Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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