I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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