y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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