I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
