I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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