I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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