Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize