oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
