I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
