haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
