I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
