The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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