All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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