what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
