it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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