She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I think my fart just growled at me.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
you never un-have a 4some
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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