People with herpes should wear stickers.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
