The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
