fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
