I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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