and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
There r osticjed everywhere
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
