My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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