so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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