I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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