well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Someone came in the potted fern
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
