Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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