so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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